Helping teens cope with emotions

Teens and emotions - almost everyone says that middle school years are the hardest.  Emotions during the early teens can be strong and confusing.  And they can change on a dime.  And the crazy thing is...that's normal!

Here is a great article from MindShift about teens and emotions - and how to help them cope.  For teachers and parents both, talking with kids about the emotions and normalizing them is key.

For kids, knowing that they are not alone or strange really helps them deal with their changing and strong feelings.  Some key things to remember, says Susan David, Harvard educator and author of Emotional Agility, are:

Emotions pass
Emotions are teachers
Courage is "fear walking"
Articulating values helps set an inner compass

Just having a caring adult to listen can help calm the strong emotions our teens are feeling.  We can all do that!

Developing STEMpathy

Disruptive technology surrounds us: self-driving cars, software that writes poetry, drones delivering packages...When machines are competing with people for thinking, what's a human to do?!

Thomas Freidman has been thinking about this, and in his recent article From hands to heads to the hearts he answers that humans have what computers don't - a heart.  He writes that everyone needs STEMpathy to succeed in this new age.

The attributes that can't be programmed are the ones we must develop in school, like passion, character and a collaborative spirit.  It is crucial to combine knowledge with heart to if we want students to thrive in the technical age we live in.

It's a reminder of the importance of Parker's core values and mission, the right ones for our age, or any age.

This morning five alumni from 2008 and 2013 visited for a panel discussion.  Represented were an art teacher and a novelist, a future biochemist, a future biomedical engineer, and a budding labor relations specialist.   Their empathy was evident and the values and advice they espoused were about the importance of being friends with people who want to make you better, building relationships with teachers, and finding activities, clubs and subjects that you feel passionate about.  They are all serious about ideas and value learning over grades.

They loved the fun they had at Parker - playing in the stream and being outdoors.  They valued the friends and teachers.  The thesis project was defining and prepared them for writing everywhere, even in college.   They learned to learn for learning's sake, and felt proud of it.  These young adults were definitely skilled in STEMpathy.

Learning is a risky business

We all have a particular level of willingness to be pushed beyond our comfort zone.  I know that for me, after a lifetime of being pushed by others, I have developed a tolerance  - even relish - for diving into (some) unfamiliar things, despite knowing that I will feel uncomfortable.  The job of Head of School encompasses many of those every day!

We have just concluded two days together as a faculty, hiking in the woods and talking about the curriculum for the coming year and all the connections we will be making.  It is clear that students will be challenged every day to think in new ways and take intellectual, social and physical risks.  The idea is that when students try something they are perhaps uncertain about, they find they can do it, and they build increased confidence to try the next new thing.

One of our faculty activities was to answer two questions and share answers with several partners in quick succession: Why do you care enough to work at Parker?  and What moves you about Parker and its work?  The answers touched on common themes and we all felt inspired.

• We believe passionately in the school's mission.  
• We love the commitment to a fun, meaningful education that creates empathy and a close community.  
• The school values the child and the process of learning  - and that is marvelous and uncommon. 
• We embrace the natural world every day.  

What moves us?

• We have seen how the school changes kids' lives
• The school builds students' confidence and inspires them.
• Students like themselves and know that they are valued for who they are.
• Students and adults together have autonomy and are happy.
• By being intentional about it, the school builds children's belief and understanding that they can make a difference for others and the world.

Everyone at Parker tries the low ropes elements at some point.  This year, teachers tried negotiating the tires.  For me, it looked like fun, and I jumped right up.  For a few others, it looked scary, and they jumped in anyway.  A few decided to sit it out - maybe next time.  

I was reminded that each year, students have the same varied levels of tolerance that we did for trying out the tires.  The confidence that we witness as it develops in students, and that we see in every graduate, comes from the daily practice of trying new things in an atmosphere of support.  It is one of the ways that Parker moves all of us.

(I'm in the skirt...)

Social pain/social gain

What's harder?  A math problem or a social problem?  This blog post in The Genius in Children answers that social learning is actually the reason for school.  Learning to solve social dilemmas is so important for kids, because in every child's life, friends can be enemies and enemies can be friends, right?

The social waters that children navigate are tricky and the modelling and practice that happen in the immersed social world of school (and camp!) is crucial.  Social pain makes us stronger and fuller people when social skills are part of the curriculum.

I love what author Rick Ackerly suggests: instead of parents asking "How was school today?" they can ask "Solve any social problems today?"  Try this with any age group and you are sure to get into some interesting discussions!

What are kids learning?

What are kids learning in school?  Do we really know?  In his recent article, Most Parents Have No Idea What Their Kids Are Learning In School, Will Richardson, technology and education writer and thinker contemplates what a grade tells him (or not) about what his own children are learning in high school.  He wonders what is sticking with them from their school day that they will use in their lives to become more successful or fulfilled?

I asked this question today in our faculty meeting: How is the culture of the middle school right now? The math teacher piped up immediately, "We had a middle school meeting yesterday - and they are all good!  There are no social issues!"  We all laughed (because middle school life centers around social issues.)  The Health teacher chimed in, "I am talking with the kids about stress in their lives and they said the same thing.  Their friends are not stressors - their parents are! You know - bugging them to see their phones and getting too involved in their lives." Another chuckle from the faculty.

We tend to measure the subject-content of kids' learning - can they add detail to an essay or can they describe the water cycle?  At Parker, we actually do try to measure some of the traits of a successful learner - like the ability to take intellectual risks or work independently, or cooperatively.

But I'm not sure we let parents know the most crucial things, like does their child have a passion to achieve or are they purposeful?  Are they becoming better at negotiating social conflict?  Do they stand up for their beliefs?  Do we let parents know if their kids are measuring up to the school's motto?

Or  - are all of these the wrong things to report to parents because, really, as the kids say, parents are getting just too involved in their lives anyway!

Social-emotional learning at home

I love this article, Set Your Kids Free, that lists ten things that they should know how to do before they get to middle school. We tend to do things for our kids - but that deprives them of relying on themselves and gaining the satisfaction of being competent self-managers.

Teachers know that kids can be quite independent with some training, coaching and practice. Students are their partners in keeping classrooms functioning smoothly (cleaning up materials; doing chores; getting from place to place).

Here are some of the things that Elizabeth Stitt suggests that kids should be able to do before middle school.

• Get up, dressed and washed on their own
• Make their own breakfast - and lunch!
• Get all their stuff to school on their own
• Do homework on their own
• Do some cooking and cleaning
• Choose their own extra-curriculars (within your limits of time and funds)
• Ask the teacher for clarification or help when they need it

Making sure your children can do these by the time they are eleven is your assignment, parents!  I know you will feel a deep sense of satisfaction and competency when you are done.  :)

Why is mindfulness important?

Weekly time with Buddies is one way we help children develop kindness, empathy, and caring. 

In a world where violence, discord, and disrespect are in the news on a daily basis, it is imperative that we give children (and ourselves) skills in becoming calm, kind, controlled and responsible.

To help our faculty become even more effective teachers in this area, Director of The Inner Resilience Program, Linda Lantieri, spent a day with us on Monday.  She urged the Parker faculty to continue to hold on to the courage to teach to the whole child - with compassion and collaboration front and center.

Linda gave us methods and practices that go beyond what we do with Responsive Classroom, daily calm breathing, self-reflection, and time outdoors.  To help children (and ourselves) be "in the moment," mindful and empathetic, she recommended daily activities such as building an increased vocabulary around emotions, writing gratitude journals, finding "pin-drop" moments and founding peace corners.

We know through research that children with well developed social-emotional skills do better at pretty much everything in their lives, so it behooves us to teach these skills explicitly.  Linda helped us learn a framework and techniques to build our own and our students' emotional intelligence.

What you learned in preschool...

Baking apple muffins for a snack in Pre K

What should we be teaching kids to assure their future success?  

Claire Cain Miller in Why What You Learned in Preschool is Crucial at Work in the Sunday New York Times, cites recent long-term studies that support the basics of the preschool curriculum - for everyone.  It turns out that flexibility, empathy, sharing, negotiating and playing well with others, combined with intellectual acuity, are absolutely key.  Jobs and wages for those who possess all these skills have far outpaced those where just one or the other domain, either social or cognitive, is required.  

Of course, that's no secret for us here at Parker.  Part of our mission after all, is "nurturing confidence and community."  On the ground level in the classroom that means giving children daily challenges to work in cooperative groups - for example during middle school STEM week when small teams of "engineers" design and build a bridge, and then produce a documentary video to go along with it.

This year in the 2-3's teachers are piloting a "Flexibility" curriculum, specifically teaching children how to give up rigidity and embrace cooperation.  Teacher Lynn Schuster writes, 

This week's Power of Flexibility work involved the kids running through an obstacle course with a rigid body and then with a flexible one. The average speed for completing the course with a flexible body was twice as quick as with a rigid one.

Other skills that build emotional control and response inhibition - some of the basics for what is called executive function, are incorporated in practices like Responsive Classroom and time for sustained make-believe play.  In this way, children learn to think before acting, take turns, recover from disappointment, or deal with perceived unfairness.  

It is always nice to have our basic values and teaching philosophy supported by research. With graduates in their early 30's who are Emmy winning film-makers, mechanical and mathematical engineers, successful social and business entrepreneurs, doctors, artists, lawyers, and not-for-profit founders, we see it in action!

Middle School kids cooperate on the "Up and Over",
an element on our Low Ropes Course

Teen hearts and minds

Insights into the adolescent brain are always welcome.  It is both wonderful and challenging to be an adolescent and to teach and parent one, too.

This interview with Frances Jenson Why Teens Are Impulsive, Addiction-prone, and Should Protect Their Brains, gives great insight about what is actually going on inside the developing mind of an adolescent.  Her book, The Teenage Brain looks like a great read.  

What most interested me in the interview was the advice about using media.  Teens (and preteens) don't yet have the ability to stop doing an alluring activity when they need to.  For example, they want to keep their phones under their pillow at night - texting and responding to "pings" and not sleeping.

Fortunately our teens have us - their parents and teachers - to help them when their brains are not quite ready to.  It's up to us to take the phone away, to set the limits, to help them remember that they can cope with setbacks, and to give them opportunities to practice good decision making.

A few things I have noticed about middle school children is that they are passionate about ideas, embrace causes with all their hearts, and thrive when given real responsibilities.  They deeply desire to be part of a close community and to be known - and accepted - for themselves, and forgiven for the mistakes they inevitably make.

The photo above shows preschoolers helping our middle schoolers take out the recycling.  Being in the role of a nurturer is something that most teens absolutely love.  Within the embrace of a caring community, teens can take intellectual and emotional risks.  When they feel confident that adults around them will provide the stops that their own brains can't, they are free to test limits within the bounds of safety.

It's all about the social stuff

I love this article about social learning by NPR's Anya Kamanetz, The Benefits of Teaching Lessons Learned in Preschool to Older Kids.  She reminds us that social learning is equal to academic learning in importance. 

In the public discourse, measuring students' success is all about testing for academic achievement.  Neuroscience research points to using additional measures, though.  The research shows that academic achievement holds little value without the social skills to communicate, self-regulate and empathize with others. "Kids who develop these skills early in life get better grades, are less susceptible to anxiety and depression and have healthier, more fulfilling relationships,” says Linda Lantieri, director of The Inner Resilience Program.

Emotional intelligence and respectful self-expression must be just as explicitly taught as problem-solving in math, or problem-finding in social studies.  As we seek academic challenges for students we can't neglect social challenges.

Programs we use at Parker like Responsive Classroom and mindfulness practices give us a common language and methods for helping children gain skills that are sometimes hard.  Second graders have an exquisite sense of fairness ("Sam budged in line - so I budged back") and sixth graders are finely attuned to social nuance ("My BFF doesn't agree with me on the project we're doing, so are we still friends?")  Helping students negotiate these choppy waters is not easy, and it takes a lot of time, but its essential.

In the block corner or at the robotics table, students need both intellectual and social skills to be successful.